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Sex cookies: add a new layer of emotion to your next rape

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One summer in a family pizza shop it was discovered that the gift of freshly baked cookies could affect a victim’s perception of what just happened after getting raped. There are two disciplines: cookies before the rape and cookies after. Both techniques fuck with the mind in very different ways.

Cookies before the rape
The rapist offers you a basket of freshly baked, still warm from the oven cookies. You’re given the opportunity to eat the cookies and upon finishing you’re spun around and viciously sodomized. Throughout the entire experience you’re not thinking “holy shit I’m getting raped”. You’re thinking “Mmmm those were some tasty…what the fuck? Ow! God dammit why!? Those cookies were good but…fuck this sucks!” You effectively divide the thinking of your victim, forever changing the way they think about cookies. Use this method to maximize the harm inflicted.
Cookies after the rape
The rapist does terrible things to your unwilling body and once he’s found no more use for you, you’re presented with a basket of freshly baked, still warm from the oven cookies. You’re left laying there in a puddle of your own anus blood but all you can think about is “damn those cookies smell good!” The last thing you remember from the experience isn’t the fact that a guy in a Star Trek t-shirt just finished inside of you. You remember the cookies. The rape was just a small hurdle on the way to them. Use this method to remain on speaking terms with your victim.

With this my brother and I revolutionized forced sex. But our work was not done. Just as there is not one type of rape, there is not one type of cookie. In some circumstances other foods may be more appropriate.

Snickerdoodle

The standard rape cookie. The name is absurd and sounds like a sex move. The cookie is delicious though. There’s nothing fancy to the rape that comes with a snickerdoodle. It’s simple and performed by only one attacker. Both the victim and the rapist can be either male or female.

Chcolate chip

The cookie is a little more basic and mainstream than the snickerdoodle and is not used with full on rape. The chocolate chip cookie is used when you are blown, fingered, jerked off, or any other method of bad touched in an Arby’s bathroom. Like the snickerdoodle, the chocolate chip cookie is gender neutral.

Fudge brownie (no nuts)

The brownie is for when you start to rape someone but part way through they start to enjoy it. And I mean really enjoy it. Like they just found their soul mate behind a dirty dumpster. This situation involves a lot of luck. You may not give the wrong cookie. The food must always match the act. In this situation you must give brownies with no nuts. You have to be confident enough that your rape is good enough to make the victim fall in love with you but you also have to be prepared to fail and just commit normal rape. Always bring snicker doodles along with you just in case.

Cannoli

The sex cannoli is very specific. Cannolis are awarded after forcing a blow job onto someone. This is not location specific like the chocolate chip cookie and if done in an Arby’s bathroom you must skip the cannoli and give chocolate chip cookies instead. The cannoli is slightly gender specific. The rapist can be either male or female but the victim has to have a dick. That’s how blow jobs work.

Lox and onion on bagel (not prepared)

This is given when three rabbis drag you into an ally and fill your three most prominent holes with jewish vengeance. The food is presented in parts with each rabbi giving you the lox, onion, and bagel separately. You must assemble it yourself, adding a slight sense of shame if the cookie after rape method was used.

Lox and onion on bagel (prepared)

You must be jewish for this but you do not have to be a rabbi. Also, you do this solo. The lox and onion on bagel works the same as the snickerdoodle with the only difference being you’re jewish. Simple.

Christmas cookies

The cookies used must resemble Christmas stuff. Santa, snowmen, candy canes, etc. Simple sugar cookies are not acceptable. The rape involves a man dressed as Santa Clause and you must be raped around Christmas. Unlike department stores, around Christmas does not mean the end of September. Anything within the two week period leading up to Christmas counts.

Sugar cookies

Use sugar cookies if you’re a diabetic or if you’re molesting one. If you give sugar cookies to a diabetic rape victim you add an extra layer of sadness onto their day. If you want it to end with happy memories you may default to snicker doodles.

Krispy Kream doughnut

Give a Krispy Kream when a bukake style gang bang takes place. At least five rapists must be present and the victim must have a body to cum ratio of 2:1. Add one doughnut for each additional grouping of five rapists.

4 Responses to Sex cookies: add a new layer of emotion to your next rape

Gary says: 12/08/2012 at 7:37 pm

You sir need help. Tomorrow morning I will light a candle for you in the chapel after mass. May god have mercy on your twisted soul.

hisunshine says: 10/18/2013 at 1:56 pm

The author of this article is joking. This article and its entirety is a complete joke, yes maybe a sick and demented joke… but in all a joke! I know some of you are thinking it’s your public duty to report or seek help, as would I, but I know this individual. So please do not take this article or its contents seriously as it is just a mere reflection of his sense of humor.
Also thank you for search through the net and coming across this gem of a webpage. COME BACK AGAIN!!!!

John says: 10/18/2013 at 2:06 pm

Gary – Why were you searching for rape to begin with?

Kandi – I have a pan of fudge brownies (no nuts) with your name on it.

JN says: 01/09/2014 at 8:01 pm

This is fkn hilarious! Just so happens I was away with my new girl….she happened to have given me a couple chocolate chip cookies then had her way with me. I dubbed them “Rape cookies” So when I got home I googled RAPE COOKIES & stumbled upon this hilarious site. Been laughing for 2 straight days over this site with her. GREAT JOB!!!! SEE, we’re not all sick and we see the most hilarious humor here. SELL this to some stand up comedian already!!! Or get up & perform it somewhere!!!!

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