The second anual McKenna Fest just happened. Yes, there was a lot more turtle meat. Yes, more people joined the fun. Yes, a lady’s character is sucking off my character in the screenshot. A good time was had by all! Here’s how things went down…
The Running of the Deez
Sadly, Deez couldn’t be with us. He died in a factory fire. His spirit lives on in all of us though and he will never be forgotten!
We had some kid run in his place, though. And by some kid I mean the kid who makes all other stalkers seem like distant admirers. This kid has a hair doll of Deez and holds it close when the world around him makes him sad. But hair doll Deez makes all the sad go away. Everything is right when just the two of them lay in bed together and to them there is no one else. There’s is a world made just for two. A world where it’s ok to collect a grown man’s hair from a comb and save it up over time to make a miniaturized effigy of your hearts one true desire. It was for Deez that this young boy ran. Desire gave speed to his feet and the promise of love gave motivation to his soul. We chased him from Stormwind to Ironforge via the tram. He chased his dreams along a road made of rainbows and wishes.
The Sending of the Meat
Last year we sent McKenna a little over 800 pieces of turtle meat. This year we collected over 4,500. All of it was sent to McKenna one item at a time, filling his in game mailbox with 4,500 messages. It took us about an hour to send everything. The last time so much meat was forced into someone’s box, Lone’s mom discovered the joy of bukake style gang bangs. And like Lone’s conception, we destroyed that box.
The Raping of the Land
The idea here is to attack a town and make McKenna arrive to stop us right as the game lets him know he just received our messages. Last year the plan didn’t work, he didn’t show up at all. This time it did. The area was already filled with other people trying to stop us on top of all the NPC guards being there. Then he came by. Honestly the only real rape that happened was inside of our assholes. I think we had like three people who were geared enough to actually fight people. It didn’t go well at all. But the plan worked anyway. He came out, I shot at him a little, he checked his mail, turtle meat.
McKenna Fest 2014 will be on the first Saturday of February, which happens to land on my birthday! Start preparing now for what will be the best McKenna Fest yet.
McKenna Fest 2013 is a little over a week away and my body could not be more ready! We have more people and way more turtle meat than last year. One guy is even trying to figure out how to mail him a turtle in real life. Your mailbox is not prepared.
Participants from last year already know how this will go down but for the new people, here’s a run down…
The Reason for the Season
For those who don’t play warcraft and enjoy a healthy tan and/or sex life, McKenna is a guy in a video game. Whenever he messages us to talk shit or troll or use his words to verbally bad touch our inner child (yes we all collectively have a single inner child in my guild. His name is Steven and it’s ok that he likes ballroom dancing) we respond with “I like turtles.”
McKenna Fest is the celebration of that social exchange. It is a day where we send him turtle meat and other various turtle based items one item at a time. It’s a day where we as a community stand united for one common goal. It’s a day where McKenna won’t be able to access any of his in game mail until he probably opens a ticket and has a GM take care of it and ban us all. It’s a risk I’m willing to take.
The Main Event
McKenna Fest is a three part event; The running of the Deez, The sending of the Meat, and The Raping of the Land. Each part is vital to the success of the event. Leaving one out is the same as telling a child there is no Santa Clause while you put lit cigars out on his face. Too graphic? Well don’t fuck with my holiday and Steven won’t have to try and explain the weird burns!
Only turtle based items may be used. Anything with the word ‘turtle’ in the title is acceptable.
All items must be sent one at a time. If you have 200 pieces of turtle meat, you’re sending McKenna 200 messages in game.
Unlike last year, adding text to your message is not required. I won’t go into specifics here but the volume of turtle meat we’ve gathered so far ensures a sizeable chunk of McKenna’s day will be spent dealing with his mail. We won’t need to push the bruise further.
All meat insertion will be done on Alliance side on Winterhoof server. We have a guild for this and you will be provided with bags and postage.
The fun starts February 2nd at 8pm server time. If you don’t have time to farm don’t worry, we have plenty of items for you to send. Prepare now by creating your alliance character and park it in Stormwind by a guild bank. Next Saturday, shit gets real!
There is a legend. Mortals dare not speak of it beyond whisper. Stories are told by camp fire of deeds once done. Wrongs once righted. Dragons once slain. The legend, once real, has moved on leaving nothing but rumor and hope in her wake. But evil has returned. The day is no longer safe and the night is now the play thing of wickedness. A blind homunculus now treads heavily where children now play. The world needs the return of its hero now more than ever. The world needs Gigunda the Destroyer.
You once stood before this evil toe to paw and stared into the gates of hell un-flinching. With one mighty swing of your furry leg you fell that which no ordinary man could dream to conquer. You thought your work to be over. You thought your deeds to be done and your current leisure earned. The people now cry out to you, Gigunda. The people need to believe in heroes once again. The furry avenger must take flight once more, sweeping yet another leg for great justice! Wickedness no longer threatens just a few. Our young are at risk Gigunda.
Rise up, brave cat. Rise from where you now call home and journey forth. Leave nothing but misery where evil dares to slumber. Go to where the dreams of a savior are and make them a reality. Vanquish this foe and if you so desire it bring it back from the dead just to kill it again. You rule the land, Gigunda the Destroyer. Make sure it never goes forgotten again.
Back in February I hosted the first annual McKenna Fest. It was a day where we celebrated the existence of a guy in a video game by mass mailing him 800+ turtle meats and I chased a naked dwarf around. Today McKenna talked to me in game and let me know he found the post where I detailed the event. To say that was awkward is an understatement. First I thought well this is gonna be a fun exchange of shit talking and hate. Then I thought wait…did I say anything insulting in my post. Next I thought yes. Yes I did say things. Lots and lots of things. Finally I thought fuck it let’s see where the night takes us.
It was the first conversation with him that didn’t involve bragging, shit talking, insulting, or me saying I LIKE TURTLES. Well no I did say that at the end. I couldn’t help myself. But it was a nice change of pace. After some talking he seemed ok with the post, a little flattered that I dedicated some web space to him actually. He also seemed ok with the idea of McKenna Fest being an annual thing. Which is great because McKenna Fest 2013 is gonna be so much better.
So McKenna; if you return to my humble website I’d like to note a few things:
I meant what I said when I said there is no malice behind the post and the celebration. Hell there’s little to no hatred in game from most of us in Wickedy Woo.
McKenna Fest 2013 will involve greater volumes of turtle related items. Honestly I’m expected to get a ban this time so no hard feelings for when you inevitably do report us. Also I really reeeeeally want some pvp to be involved this time so let me know which town we’ll need to attack to get your attention. Theramore didn’t do the trick. I know you like the pvp thing and it’s your day after all so let’s talk about that one.
The folks from Wickedy Woo will probably never stop saying I LIKE TURTLES to you. It’s fun for us please don’t take it away.
If you ever transfer to horde, you have a spot in Wickedy Woo. Zombie Land too they’ll take anyone, but I trust you’ll make the right choice.
Many years ago as children my brother and I were out shopping with our mother. My brother comes running to me, his eyes wide with excitement. “You gotta come see this!” he exclaimed. I followed him, trying to keep up with his frantic pace. What could be so amazing? We were kids what the fuck could it be? An infinite candy genie? Pants that fit? Self multiplying puppies who shit dreams and more puppies and the puppies rise up on their hind legs to whisper secrets to us? It was none of those. At the end of the rainbow was our mother. But something was off. Her stride was deliberately awkward and reminiscent of the walking style of a midget with no knees. Her face was stressed and the air around her was foul. “We have to leave right now” she said. “Why?” I asked with innocence. “We. Have. To Fucking. Go. Right. Now.” I look down and noticed something fall from her shorts. I lean in to take a closer look. What could it be? Is that…shit? Sweet white jesus it was shit! It was all so clear now. And if it wasn’t then my brother would clear up the confusion. “MOM SHIT HER PANTS!” he yelled with pride. Continue reading →
To the folks who are now in charge of my cat’s well being, I congratulate you on your acquisition. She is by far the best cat in all the land and she will show you a love the likes of which you have never seen. My father and brother probably told you this already and they’ve probably given you a brief run down of what to expect from her. But I’m betting they left out a few important details. So allow me to fill in the blanks.
Yesterday marked the first annual McKenna Fest, a celebration of our favorite little tool Mckenna. And what a day it was! The server’s finest banded together to fill a middle aged man’s in game mail box with assorted turtle based goods and cryptic words such as the chemical properties of glass and ‘hot pockets!’ Continue reading →
One summer in a family pizza shop it was discovered that the gift of freshly baked cookies could affect a victim’s perception of what just happened after getting raped. There are two disciplines: cookies before the rape and cookies after. Both techniques fuck with the mind in very different ways.
Cookies before the rape
The rapist offers you a basket of freshly baked, still warm from the oven cookies. You’re given the opportunity to eat the cookies and upon finishing you’re spun around and viciously sodomized. Throughout the entire experience you’re not thinking “holy shit I’m getting raped”. You’re thinking “Mmmm those were some tasty…what the fuck? Ow! God dammit why!? Those cookies were good but…fuck this sucks!” You effectively divide the thinking of your victim, forever changing the way they think about cookies. Use this method to maximize the harm inflicted.
Cookies after the rape
The rapist does terrible things to your unwilling body and once he’s found no more use for you, you’re presented with a basket of freshly baked, still warm from the oven cookies. You’re left laying there in a puddle of your own anus blood but all you can think about is “damn those cookies smell good!” The last thing you remember from the experience isn’t the fact that a guy in a Star Trek t-shirt just finished inside of you. You remember the cookies. The rape was just a small hurdle on the way to them. Use this method to remain on speaking terms with your victim.
With this my brother and I revolutionized forced sex. But our work was not done. Just as there is not one type of rape, there is not one type of cookie. In some circumstances other foods may be more appropriate. Continue reading →
I type this now on a display that is only dimly lit. I turned it on at 10:00 and with any luck it’ll be fully lit by 11:30 or so. My trusty old Samsung display is suffering. It’s a slow death which grips her. The tubes which offer light to guide pictures of cats with captions are slowly dying out. I no can haz comfort right now.
But you will not go gentle into that good night. You will not be put down as we would an ailing pet. You will have a warriors death. A death on the battle field doing your duty until your duty rends you in twain that is the end I would wish for you. And together we will meet such an end! My noble widescreen display you have served me well these past 4 years. You’ve given light to the most wonderful and most horrible parts of the internet. Everything from cats to singing fat men to guys getting fucked to death by horses. We’re not done yet. There is still much to see. You and I will continue to view the horrid spectacles of the world. We’ll continue to make websites with the grace of a Stephen Hawking ballet dancer. We’ll continue to use pictures of boobs to fill the empty void in my heart in the next 10 minutes.
So rage, dear Samsung display. Rage against the dying of your light.